Give me the strength to hold in my yelling, my contempt, my temper, for i want to bash the tables and destroy people's spirit's. Hold me back. Hold me down. Stop me from undermining the lives of my friends, my family, myself. and yet i still want to. Yell at the top of my lungs until i can't talk anymore. until i lose my voice. cuz i don't deserve to talk. i don't deserve these friends. I only envy them. Take them away. Leave me to me. To be me. To unleash everything. To be able to yell, to scream, to crush.
Malicious thought's flood my mind. and i still want to yell, still want to break. Break something. anything. someone.
Why am i like this? why am i this monster, why do i write this with anger, slamming the keys.
I don't know. this is who i am. I am human.
God. GOD. GOD?
preach to me of this being this person, this "everything". just preach to me about it. i love to hear it. Because my religion just isn't right? because my religion was condemned wrong in your book? and why so? if there was so much confidence in Christianity, in God, in heaven, then why limit one's religion, why create a devil, why create a hell. U think this is right? you think you can just tell me that God will solve everything for me? You think my religion is inferior? that I'm just someone who strayed down the wrong path of religion? Well let me tell you... is it inferior of me, to be able to tell you that i am not changing? is it weak for me to tell you that i am proud of being the minority? is it weak for me, to be independent, and proud of who i am? Don't tell me my religion's wrong, don't tell me God is my solution. i am as able and strong as any of you. and i am not christian. I am not a believer, i do not sit through church every Sunday. Am i not born with the same hands and feet and body as you? Is my mind not as able as yours? and for you to tell me Buddhism is inferior to Christianity? Am i unequal to you? any of you? I've never once imposed my religion on another, nor go as far as preach to any of you about it, without someone first asking. Without someone first offending me by saying that i should pray. Never. And do you feel its right to do so to me?
I grow a little angrier everyday, reach new heights everyday. it is piling up. destruction.
Frustration.
The very feeling of rising anger. the overwhelming weight of the world. Fracture in you heart. soul. being.
Envy.
The roots. Foundation. Basis. from which anger emanates from to reach its peak. A sturdy groundwork that keeps on growing, expanding, giving way to higher peaks. higher mountains of emotion. of temper. of rage.
Anger.
Its resignation in me. Instinctive. Its very prominence over logic. Its ability to take control. take action. defy morals. define me.
Rage.
Endless, in fire, in the excluded, in me. The rage. the pain. the voice.
Selfishness.
Me. just me. my life. everything. anything? me. me. me.
Dishonesty.
benevolent intentions. selfless intentions. lies. lies. lies. Closed book. Closed mind. Closed me.
Karma.
Balance and all the it entitles. Balance and all it explains. Natural integrity, equality, patience.
Silence.
Self thought. reflection. esteem. the hiding of feelings, emotions, of needs, of passionate anger.
Limits.
The very borders that circumscribe me. Limitations. Laws. Rules. Boundaries. The pressure holding everything back. The logic that keeps me quiet. The right from wrong. The only thing allowing me to write instead of break. speak instead of yell. silence instead of rage.
Words.
Because I don't.
Me.
The person. The writer. The student. The son. The brother. The expectation. The rise. The fall. The emotions. The issues. problems. The endless...
Yourself...
Do you understand emptiness.
A note: you may never read this note how i intend it to be read. And that's fine. The feelings i seek to evoke are far beyond my own understanding. and if you thought you understood it in one reading, then you are better than I'll ever be, for i cannot explore the depths of my words even as i write them.
Things happen everyday. They test your limits. Question your abilities. Reveal new traits.
Things happen everyday. And everyday you answer them. You find ways to overcome obstacles. Overcome differences.
Things happen everyday. And sometimes you get hit. You get hurt. You fall down.
Weakened and down.
a hand is held out. a hand of a person. a friend. a brother, sister.
and you grasp that hand and it pulls you up. Pulls you back up to where you belong. Gives you the posture you once had.
and sometimes you deny the offer. you brush that hand away, knowing it is for your own good. knowing for once you wanted to get up yourself. knowing for once you wanted to be able to help yourself. and maybe it takes you longer, maybe the process is slower, maybe you had to scrape your hands against the asphalt in the process, but you got up. in due time.
maybe you sit for a while. sit and think. stop and think. ponder. in deep thought. and maybe its what you needed. self reflection, thought, meditation. maybe its what you were missing.
Peace. with yourself; it left you.
Balance. gone.
Thought. stays within. resides within. lives within.
And thought. thinks for itself.
Karma.
Those friends, the ones that know when you're down. The ones that can read your mind, the ones that can fix your every ailment. They're rare, and I'm lucky enough to have two of them.
Jon, Jonny, jonster, jjk, jay jay, and Alison...uh...don't got 1000 names for you.
What more can i say? In times of need and times of entertainment, they're always there for me. and it's great. I love them both (most of the time).
Jon.
Though quiet, i enjoy your subtly insightful hints into my life. You dare to venture deeper into my feelings, yet respect my privacy, and i hold you in high regards for doing so. You are a great athlete, and i look up to you both on the court, and in real life, as a great person. You're always there for me, and you know I'm always here for you. till the end bro. Just like Pokemon. (pikachu+ash)
Alison.
Through stressful times in history,and the exchange of our problems. I love it all. I appreciate how you always know whats up with me, even if i don't tell you. Late night talks, and the confusion of historical figures/countries. Its basically what i live for. As with Jon, I am always here for you. Except when you need me to combat someone who's like 6 feet. Then...uh. idk.
Caring. the basic principal we learn in Kindergarten. I always thought i knew what caring was; but it is redefined as i mature. I find i care for my friends, almost as much as i care for my family. And honestly, i never thought I'd feel this way about others. It's amazing. These two are amazing.
What else can i say? There is no insight into this situation, no analysis, no over thinking. I don't have to.
Meaning. You 2 mean the most to me, and every day i am thankful for your company. I could really go on forever, but my writing is...not how i'd like today.
Thank you. That's all i have to say. I have the deepest gratitude for the both of you.
Thanks
I really should be doing homework right now, but i feel like i can't unless i get this off my chest.
There is this feeling in me that i have no admiration for. It is my selfishness. And from this selfishness grows jealousy. It is not easily expressed or seen on the outside, but its there, i feel it, i know it. I am without words to describe my feelings at this point. Its this subtle numbness. A collaboration of too many feelings.
This contradictory feeling within myself. A contradiction of feelings, that leads to conflicting emotions. It is strong. If asked the reason why the sudden displeasure, i don't think i feel like answering. It is just important for me to tell you, the reader, how i feel. The reason is not to be known yet.
It is not to be known until i resolve the issues that reside in me. When? i know not when yet. Hopefully soon.
Hopefully.
Thanks for reading.
-Alex Tran
In reference to the post "I've Seen Better Days". The original post has been removed due to the critique of certain persons. I felt this was a place where i could easily, openly, and freely express my feelings. However, i was oddly mistaken. It is only natural for me to feel somewhat resentful and powerless in this situation and therefore, the writing of this rant.
Although no harm was meant with the message, it was apparently implicated. Honestly, however i have no remorse for my writing, for its purpose was solely to reflect upon myself and my own issues. Its tone was created through my own feelings at the moment of writing, but was not intended to spark or initiate any feelings of pity or sadness.
This, is irrefutably my own space to not only write my mind, but also to foster controversial thoughts amongst my readers. It is therefore, surprising to me, that any sole person would feel strongly enough to have me remove the direct reflection of my own emotions.
Though this post in itself may prove to share the same emotions as the one deleted, I assure you it is not so. It is a basic justification for the removal of the post. I refuse to say what i do not mean, and therefore there is no apology.
Again, this was not meant to hurt anyone. Just thought I should mention that again. Just in case.
Future. Fast approaching, just like everything else in life. It seems that as i get older, my gauge of time seems to portray the passing of years too quickly. I am almost 16 now and fearing where I'll be in three years. Time has no limits, no barriers, no one to hold back its pace; it seems to past by quickly when we need it most, and stop when we anxiously await its passing.
Years go by as if seconds have past, and we are left wondering where it all went. We remember when high school seemed far off and college wasn't even in the question. And now we're frantically trying to make the most of our time while our final years as minors is quickly passing by, with no one able to stop it.
Three Years. and i will be gone from my family, visiting a few times a year on holiday. Three years. and i will be beginning my own journey into the real world and exploiting my own independence. Three Years. and my friends and i will go our separate ways, not knowing how distance will test our friendship. Three years. and no one to slow it down.
Fear. of growing up. of being my own person. of having no one to guide me. Leaving my parents, the very people who raised me, to become a reflection of them myself? It seemed far off as a child, but now its nearing, and though time has passed, and i have grown, i still feel like a child. It is out of my hands. Anxiety grows with no borders, no limits, and i am left to ponder its consequences and question my own maturity and independence.
Separate ways. Diverging friends and people. It seems too hard to handle. To know that you may never see that person again. To know that, you are leaving for a good school while your friend is going to Iraq. To know that there are people that you had so much to say to, and never opened your mouth to say anything.
Three Years. will come and go, and by then i will have forgotten my fears. By then i will have forgotten my worries and by then i will fear that future. I will grow to accommodate the losses that will occur, and i will do what must be done. Maturity will find its roots in my limbs and grow to encompass my mind.
"If not now, then when? If not here, then where?"...If not you and I, then who?
Time.
gone
A day, just like any other day. A single slot in time. Nothing
A bad day.
When no one seems to realize you don't feel quite right. That every single gesture you do is out of lack of sleep, out of being tired, out of hatred for school. And yet, it's not. It never is. Those who are close know how you feel, and probe through your darkness to find the source of your pain. And they are shunned out. Like any stranger. Like any person. And those who don't know you, give you a hard time. Scrutinize your life, like it mattered what they said. Like you take in what they said. And yet you did. and you took it a little more deeply, a little more darkly, a little more stolidly. And it replays in your head and you let it tear your very inner being limb from limb.
You say nothing is wrong, but you know you are lying. On the inside, everything feels wrong. and you don't quite know why. and your body language suggests you want to be alone, your slight utterances say everything is good, and your inside's screaming for attention. It's crying, crying out loud, with no one to hear. with no one to acknowledge its need.
Cry, cry, cry to no extent.
You are hurt, bleeding. dying. and you ask how you got this way?
You let something in. You let someone in. And she ravaged your very being. she tore you apart. she killed you. And you go into a state of survival, in which you shut her out. and she , as if it is not her fault at all, questions your actions. She questions why you would do such a thing. and you know it is for your own good. She acts as if it is your sole fault, your sole overreaction. and you don't blame yourself. you blame her. you blame her for everything she's done to you.
All you ever asked was to be left alone. Left to ponder in your own thoughts; she couldn't leave it it at that. she had to pursue the problem. She had to try and find out. If not from you, from your friend, and your other friend, and your other friend. You obviously want nothing to do with her any longer, and she persists. She does what she never used to do. And to what purpose? To annoy you? To make you mad?
You never knew her. She means nothing to you now.
No one should know so.
No one should feel so.
It is all too uncertain, where this path leads. I find extreme contempt and fast sprouting malice in my soul.
Anger.
radiates from my very skin to those around me. They feel it. Its no secret. Anger for many things. For no one ever taking responsibility. Responsibility for a task, a project, a paper, responsibility for causing pain. Its all the same. I am almost in this alone.
It stings.
Stings where it hurts most
I can't pretend I don't feel anger. I can't hear that she doesn't know what she's done.
Trust.
You can't trust people. People lie to your very face every day. you seek honesty, but you in yourself have no honesty. You lie to yourself, you over look flaws. You should never have done so. You could have seen it coming.
Resolution.
Slow approaching.
meaningful? for no one
This week has been quite the adventure. Staying up till 4 in the morning and screwing myself over the next day at school, oh boy. Now that its over though, i look back with happiness. Its such a good feeling to know its over. Then again...tomorrow's Sunday, which means homework, and the next day is Monday. Does it ever end?
I was feeling a bit...philosophical sorta.
I guess not. In this world, all the things that seem to good to be true, drift by all too quickly, and those dredging moments in class...all too slowly. It leaves you wondering. Whats the point? We go to school starting from the time that we can actually begin to remember and continue into our early 20's (late 20's and even early 30's for some). Then, we go into the "real world" work and work and work, striving to get to the top, to replace our boss, and our boss's boss and even the CEO if we got that far. Its all too grueling. Luckily at a certain point, when we are no longer able to work, we retire to a home in Florida. Then again, by that time, we don't have the energy to do much either.
And for me to say life is What can I say? beautiful, it seems to contradict everything.
It seems life is this never ending cycle of pure work and stress. Or is it? In my attempt to portray the malevolent qualities of life, I guess i have overshadowed the virtues of it as well. During this cycle, we have the chance to experience friendship, the all to indescribable feeling of love, and new life. We have those moments that take our breath away, and those moments that serve to provoke uncontainable laughter. Yes, we get all of this in life.
Friendship. One of the most powerful words that i have come to use. It is such an intangible yet normal part of life, that sometimes we take it for granted. It should definitely never be something that we accept. And yet i do, and maybe you do too. How often do we actually take a moment to remember all the things our friends have helped us get through and so fourth? In my case, it seems like not enough. I cherish my less than 10 friends (pathetic, i know) more than anything, but do they know that? I hope so.
Love. O love. How do i write on this subject? seems out of my ability to describe, for even words fail to portray this...emotion? Is it even an emotion, or does it have a category of its own? I wouldn't know, since other than love for my family and friends, I have never experienced love to the point of fully knowing what it is. Maybe someday I will, who knows.
New life. Most of us will see or experience the birth of a child. A baby. A new addition to the world. And to look at that baby and know that someday, he or she will experience everything that we have already prevailed and succeeded at. And to know that one day that baby will have the chance to experience all these intangible feelings of love and hate, of sadness and happiness, of anger and frustration. It, in itself is probably an indescribable feeling.
"What I know now will prove close to useless as i experience things later in life."
In other news. I've become addicted to uh...legal downloading services and in search of some soft acoustic sorta alternative music. mostly acoustic. Any suggestions?
So last night, was the beginning of 2009, a year that i hope to be as great as any year. I spent it at Chris Mclaughlin's party with some great friends! Fun stuff.
So 2008 has come and gone. A great yet tiring year. As I get older, more burdens seem to be placed on my shoulders, that result in more work, but in the end, greater rewards. So this year shouldn't be any different. A fresh start? not necessarily. Though the new year brings in a changed date, it doesn't necessarily signify a new beginning. I'm sure my reputation still holds, and my vices are still scrutinized. So is this a new start for me? No, not even close.
Anyway, it is no secret that for many, a New Year, also brings along a New Year's Resolution. Although they are nice, I don't really remember myself creating one.
I guess my resolution would be the same ones i have every year. To be happy. Its simply put. I want to be happy with my family, with my friends; I want to be happy at school. As a whole, I just want a year, where I can establish stronger ties with my family, a year where i can lay the foundations for lifetime friends with my buddies. And a year where I can get one step closer to fulfilling my goal of becoming a doctor. Simply put. Now how do i fulfill it?
Life's simple and yet complicated. It takes many twists and turns as exemplified by not only my life, but everyone's life. There is no way to win nor is there to lose. We just go with it and adjust accordingly. Life takes me and you to many places. Its what we do their that lays the foundations for the kind of person that we become.
So to my close friends, my readers, my family, and all else whom i cherish, I wish to you a Happy, Healthy, and Exciting New Year. May it be filled with fun, joy, and the answer to your desires.
A special thanks to those whom i spent my New Year's with (those at Chris's party). You guys have truly started off my year with a great BANG!